Stage Fright

April 2007

Mortified! That’s what I was. I wish there was some less traumatic word that could be used to describe my feelings, but for the life of me I can’t think of it. “Scared” is what you feel when the hair rises up on the back of your neck ‘cause fear has gripped you momentarily.  What I’m talking about is the exponential multiplication of “scared.” That produces the sensation I’m trying to describe. You know . . . it’s a feeling of fear that latches on to you so tightly that you feel like you might suffocate from the lack of air to your lungs. It is the kind that won’t let go no matter how hard you try to shake it off.

You’d think I was feeling this way because of a specific devastation or terrifying occurrence that had sprung upon me, but that wasn’t it. I was just standing back stage getting ready to speak to a large group of women in Tyler, Texas. Some called it stage fright, I called it sheer terror! I had prepared a message, and I could hear the group roar with laughter, applause, hoots and hollers as they prepared to receive me. This was a great group of women sitting on the edge of their seats ready to hear from God.  Yet, I was nothing short of terrified. My emotions became so overwhelming that they had begun to affect me physiologically. My palms sweated and heart beat out of my chest. The pit in the bottom of my stomach was churning like the old ice cream maker my momma would pull out on hot summer days when I was growing up. There was a huge knot in my throat so tightly strung I thought it’d take a clever magician to unravel it. I was sure that my normally booming voice would never reach its normal height of clarity once I stepped in front of these precious women. To be honest, I didn’t know for sure that I wouldn’t make a run for it once I did get on stage and those lights started glaring down on me. (Note to self: check for the nearest exits.)

This might be comical, if it were not true. But this event marked a series of similar instances over the course of six months during which I endured the most grueling battle of fear I have ever faced.  I had been a Bible teacher and speaker for almost a decade. It was my ministry and my privilege to speak at conferences large and small. Yet someway, somehow, fear had begun to grip me with an intensity that I was unfamiliar with.  I’d seen a survey somewhere that said people feared public speaking more than death itself. Reading that had made me laugh. At the time, I couldn’t fathom the notion of someone walking willingly to the guillotine just to avoid facing a spot light, stage, and a crowd. But now, somehow, I was fully convinced. I’d opt for the noose.

 During the six months that I was gripped by terror at the thought of speaking, I tried to cancel events or at least cancel my participation in them. I did anything and everything I could do to get out of having all those eyes peering at me on that stage. (Bless my husband, full of integrity as he is, for not allowing me to make up phony excuses to get out of my obligations). At first I thought I would “just get over it,” but then time passed and I realized that this mountain was too high a scale for even the most prepared climber to get over.  I called a mentor for direction. He wisely informed me that this kind of fear was not a mere emotion to deal with but a spiritual stronghold to demolish. He said that unless I fought for my freedom from this spirit of fear, its grip on me would only become more firm as the days and weeks past.

I prepared for war and went to the battlefield camouflaged in spiritual armor. Scripture because my offensive weapon as I battled the enemy of my soul for territory he was trying desperately to win. The lies that were paralyzing me had to be replaced by God’s truth. I literally spoke God’s Word to myself until I changed my own mind.

With the guidance of my wise mentor, I began to see this battle for what is was . . . not a mere run in with fear, but the enemy’s attempt to keep me from my God given destiny. The guillotine is what he wanted for God’s purposes for me. The noose is where he desperately desired to hang God’s destiny for my life. He wanted it over once and for all. After all, his resume has had the same three listings since he got fired from heaven: to kill, steal and destroy (John 10:10). He wants the same for you, you know. His goal is to keep you so intimidated and fearful of the things that God has called you to do that you would rather die than do them. So, the enemy of your soul lies in wait to cloak on the children of God a heavy blanket of intimidation that will hamper us from pursuing the glorious purposes God has for us. Without recognizing the demonic strategy, many of us shrink back in despair, giving into our lack of confidence. Before we know it, we have forgone our calling for a mere paycheck and traded in the abundant life for a mundane one.

I’ll never forget the feeling of victory I had when I knew the Spirit of fear had run like a wet dog with his tail between his legs.  The power of God’s Word had passed on my stage fright to that Spirit. I tell you the spotlight of God’s Word had sent him running, looking for the nearest exit off the stage of my heart and out of my life.

No more stage fright for me. I’m walking in the center stage of God’s will, smack dab in the middle of God’s purposes for me. Doesn’t mean I don’t get butterflies anymore, but now they fly in formation. I believe that I have been made competent and adequate by His Spirit (2 Corinthians 3:5-6) to accomplish His plans in this generation. No more excuses and no more fear. I’m ready for God’s best. You too? Then quit standing back there looking for the nearest exit. Get moving! The stage of God’s plan is divinely lit just for you, and there’s a crowd of people that need what you’re offering.